Once upon a time there was a princess.
I have yet to open up a blog post with "Once Upon a Time” so I feel the time has come.
Once upon a time there was a princess. This princess would do whatever it took for the people around her to be happy. No, I don’t mean happy in general, I mean happy with her.
She would shield parts of her personality and constantly change to match the people who were around her. Near some she would become submissive and mild mannered, but near others she was loud and boisterous, more than needed to be for sure.
She wanted to everything to everyone and most importantly she didn’t want to upset anyone. She locked her true self away and threw away the key. She knew it was a facade and that the person she was pretending to be wasn’t who she really was inside, but after a while she forgot. This new person she would emulate would start convincing her of who she was and of the person she was not. Whereas before she always thought she’d return back to where that key lay, she didn’t. The key collected dust and the shiny rhinestones, crystals, and opals would corrode and dull over time.
One day after a tiring afternoon of judgement and perfecting her ‘anti-girl’ persona, she sat back in her room drained. She loved the people she was around but she hated the life she lived. She found herself constantly wary of her image, whatever that was. She only wore certain colors, listened to certain music, and associated with certain people. She had a list of rules she followed strictly, and the life she had crafted to please others was displeasing herself.
Spoiler alert: The princess is me. Or, was me.
Basically, I traded in my personality for an artificial personality because I was so concerned with being accepted and loved. When you’ve gone through a period where you have no one to call a friend, you know how lonely life can get. When I was younger this was me constantly. I can say I had one or two constant friends growing up, but never anyone who i’d tell anything and everything to for a while.
Luckily for me I found true friends later on, but I let their influence really control how I was showing myself to the world. That in itself is a long story that I explain in detail in my book Successfully Unsuccessful, but the TLDR?
The TLDR is that I realized how damn unhappy I was. There was always this nagging feeling inside of me that was a reminder of who I really was deep down. At that point though I was so scared to let that girl out because I thought the friends I had would leave me.
Spoiler alert: They didn’t. In fact, even though it showed that we weren’t as similar as we thought, they still stayed by my side.
When I was trying to be this other person I took life so seriously because of the preconceived notions I had set for myself. I was so wrapped up in trying to look a certain way or talk a certain way that I didn’t realize I had lost myself so deeply in the process.
In fact, when I started re-embracing who I was it was almost scary. I slowly dabbled with the colors pink and blue and eased my way back into the world of glitter and pop music. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my punk music and alternative clothing styles, but I realized I no longer had to feel stuck within that trope and aesthetic.
The point of this story is that I was taking life and myself way too damn seriously.
The Brittany J. you see now is more true to who I am versus any earlier version of Brittany that others have met, but she didn’t come out over night.
I realized this past week that I’ve still been too serious with myself due to trying to hold myself to a certain standard where I’m constantly perfect. Obviously, that isn’t realistic whatsoever, but I refused to believe that I couldn't attain this level of perfectionism.
The one thing I still take extremely serious is my business. Although I need to give myself a break.
I’m making a vow to no longer hide parts of who I am to attain some aesthetic or to please somebody. I refuse to sit back and entertain that bull anymore.
I preach authenticity, but I’m still picking and choosing which sides I want to be authentic with.
I’m as classy and sophisticated as I am goofy and clumsy. I spill sometimes when I drink juices and sodas and lord knows I can’t eat popcorn without it ending up everywhere.
I have heavy feet and whether i’m barefoot or in five inch heels you will hear me coming from a mile away. I am in no way dainty or graceful and I trip over my own feet constantly.
I’ve been showing the princess sides of my personality, and quite frankly that side isn’t a lie. Everything I’ve shown you is real and true when it comes to that aspect of my life, but I’m ready to really break it down and show you who Brittany J. really is.
From this moment on I’m no longer being hesitant in regards to my personality. I’m no longer going to purposely act a certain way so people think a certain way about me.
I’m ready to live a life as blunt, beautiful, and open as I am and that, dear reader, is magical.
And so, the princess picked up the key, dusted it off, and unlocked the parts of herself she hid away for so long.