Candid Brittany J. Moment:
The past two weeks have been Hell for me on my end.
My confidence the lowest it had been in a very long time. I was getting temperamental with people and I was obsessively paranoid in some cases. I wasn't being my typical self and I had to take a two week break from work for my mental health.
Honestly, even last night (which as I write this was all of an hour ago) I was really depressed and down, not knowing how I was going to get myself into shape so I could be productive for the week to come. I had tried working sporadically but instead I found myself binge watching the Jurassic Park series and back to back episodes of The Office.
After a while I decided to give up on working because I wanted to watch Morgan and Brendan's wedding on Rich Kids of Beverly Hills. As a lover of fine weddings and reality TV, I was very excited for this and had been counting down this episode for weeks.
The episode came and went, but then something new and exciting happened— a RKOBH spinoff. EJNYC is a spinoff show for Rich Kid's star EJ Johnson, and he's known for his over the top style and confidence. I never gave it much thought before tonight, but as I sat back watching him move to NYC, tackle his dreams, and being his damn self regardless...I realized how much of myself I was still harboring from all of you.
Authenticity is my bread and butter. I mean, how often have I talked about it and ranted about it? Authenticity is so important.
I feel that without it we are nothing but mindless societal zombies doomed to get married, reproduce, and slave our lives away to corporate America. I'm already off that track simply because of my career field, but there's more to it now.
To a certain extent, I was still being myself. I was still being goofy and down to earth while loving Dior and Christian Louboutin. To most people, I’m already a bit over the top but what they don’t realize (and what I just realized) is that I was still shielding parts of myself because I felt as if I was too much for people to handle. I didn't want to be ostracized because of how over the top I really am.
I still wasn’t being completely 100% Brittany. For branding reasons, I was trying to still put out an aesthetic even if the aesthetic was anti-aesthetic. Confusing, I know.
I was still trying to show certain aspects of my personal self versus other aspects. What I showed you was the truth, so don’t think I lied about who I was or that my brand is inauthentic. If anything, I just wasn’t showing you everything. I cut myself off in fear of people finding my nature intimidating because of how self assured I am, or in fear that people would think I was selfish or something else that I know I’m not.
I was still trying to be sweet and docile. I was so afraid of my emotions being invalidated because a) I am a woman and b) I’m black, that I would keep so many opinions to myself about so many things and I didn't have to do that. In other words, I didn’t want people to say I was being an angry black woman so I never spoke my mind completely.
I was all for having integrity with you and with my clients, but not with myself. I felt like a little girl in a world of grown ups even though I’m doing things people three times my age are still too afraid to do.
On your average day, my confidence levels are pretty damn high. I think I'm wonderful, nice, funny, intelligent, and beautiful. However, when you would talk to me I would only show you one or two of those qualities versus all of them. I would apologize for asking questions and speaking up, when I shouldn’t have. I have a voice. I need to use it. It doesn't matter if I'm questioning a system that is built around me, or simply stating my damn McDonalds order. I have a voice and I can no longer be afraid to use it or tip toe around with cutesy phrases and smiley faces.
I'm done apologizing for parts of myself. I'm done shielding parts of myself or showing certain aspects because I want people to like me or I'm afraid they'll think I'm a (gasp) bitch.
Before I would strut, but never for too long or where people would see me. I would wear my tiara, but then take it off in certain environments. I would want to dress a certain way but because of the environment around me, dress down and tone down my wonderful fashion sense.
I'm about to be straight up ignant with myself and belligerent with this confidence.
I'm about to treat every linear space like a damn runway in the middle of NYFW.
I'm about to flip my hair as I walk past every person who dares to stare at me incredulously or angrily regardless of whether or not the strands on my head are my natural 4B curls or four straight Brazilian bundles.
I'm going to do the absolute fucking most.
I'm going to be on my extra shit because I am worth it.
I'm no longer going to act as if I'm worth less than what I am.
I'm no longer going to allow anyone to tell me how I should act and what I should wear and who I should be.
I may be young, but I’m beyond my years and I’m a fucking boss.
I was standing in my own way. It wasn’t money. It wasn’t circumstance. It was all me.
I still have some hurdles to jump, and I’m pushing that ball so it can start rolling, but once it starts rolling you will be swept up in the pure inertia of it all. You will be hypnotized by the motion and the speed and by the unhinged power as it disrupts the environment it rolls through. You’ll look back and see the muddy and messy tracks from where I’ve been, but by the time you focus in on it I’ll be that much farther and already onto the next part of the plan.
I always say I go from 0-100, and I may be sitting behind a computer tonight half asleep and empowered with the ferocity of Beyonce at her opening night concert, but soon (and I mean soon), you won’t be able to go a damn day without seeing my face or hearing my name.
I’m about to change the damn world, and it’s all starting with me revamping myself.
I'm a Modern Day Princess™, bitch. I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor. I'm a queen.
Remember that and get ready because you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.