Something that’s been on my mind more than usual, lately.
When we’re younger, we’re taught forgiveness before we’re taught how to stand up for ourselves and our dignity in social situations. It’s the same ‘turn the other cheek’ or ‘be the bigger person’ lesson you had.
Someone was shit to you, but you should forgive them to be the better and bigger person.
That was ultimately how I lived my life for...my entire life.
Trying my best to forgive in situations where I ultimately shouldn’t have (right away, honestly).
I’ve muttered the words “I forgive you/them” more than I really think I meant them just because I assumed that was the way to move on and past issues. I don’t like holding grudges, so there was a very real part of me that always wanted to just forgive and let go, when in reality I wasn’t.
I forgave people for situations and instances I hadn’t yet accepted (something needed for forgiveness).
I forgave people before truly allowing myself time to actually move on from different ways I’ve been hurt by them.
I mentally forgave people who never apologized because I just wanted to personally move on from whatever happened.
I forgave people without them even knowing how their actions, words, or lack thereof impacted me in time to come.
When you don’t do those things, altercation can stay with you even when you don’t want it to. You can mentally want to be over something, say the words, convince yourself, but not actually be over it.
The past month and a half of my life was interesting, because for the first time I decided someone didn’t deserve my forgiveness and I didn’t want to ever give them that.
That was a thought I had never had before. I always wanted to move on, forgive, and be better. I always assumed that if you decide that, you never really move on because you’re still giving them power over you.
Once I had that thought over one person, I had it over more people who did me wrong. I felt like Oprah, telling everyone who did me dirty past and present to fuck off.
You get a fuck off and you get a fuck off! Everyone gets told off!
That thought soothed me. It allowed me a certain mental power I had never had before. Yep, I’m in control.
So, I decided someone wasn’t worth my forgiveness. This person, I texted. I told them exactly how I felt, deleted and blocked their numbers, and stood strong in myself for the first time in years.
Then, slowly, I started thinking.
My motto in life is that no one is good, or bad. We’re all motivated by our own agendas. We’re all chaotic neutral by nature.
Good people do bad things, bad people do good things. People do things.
With that being said, I reassessed my actions. Having them blocked on every platform determined to never say another word past the novel I sent through text, and I still haven’t.
My next question being, can someone not deserve your forgiveness, you not forgive them, but you also make the decision to move on. Can you start fresh with someone after you decided they passed the point of no return?
It’s something I’m still thinking about. I don’t know the answer. I don’t have an answer to that question.
I don’t think I can forgive, but maybe in a world where we’re all just floating balls of energy obsessed with our own goals and sometimes we make bad decisions, we can still continue on.
I did unblock them though. So, maybe that’s a start.