I don't know about you...
Last week was my birthday and I turned Taylor Swift’s assumed favorite number and age, twenty two.
I believe birthdays to be personal new years-- it’s our time to make resolutions for the future, promise and enact change in our personal, creative, or whatever else lives, and actually create change.
Reflecting, year twenty one was a year of transition.
I made friends, lost friends, got a job, left the job, traveled, started therapy, left therapy, stopped my coaching business, struggled with identity, and ultimately had one of the most stressful years to date.
The biggest lesson I’m pulling out of all of this, is fuck it.
I used to think that you would find more authentic and genuine opportunities, people, and a multitude of other things if you just showed your full hand from day one.
Last year, and the past couple of years, I showed my full hand so to speak, and it worked well. This year, I found myself in an environment where it wasn’t wise for me to do just that, and it caused me to hide in parts of myself the entire year.
I did it out of fear, insecurity, and just not knowing where in the hell my life was going.
I felt bad for wanting what I wanted, being myself, and doing whatever it took to get it.
I tried my best to remain nice and compassionate in many situations where I honestly shouldn’t have.
I went against so many rules and boundaries I set for myself, and that heavily impacted this year for me.
This year was transitional and hard, and it wasn’t without reason. There were things I had to learn if I actually wanted to progress not only as a businesswoman or creative, but just a person and a human being fighting to find their place in the world for themselves and for others like them.
So, I’m back to showing my full hand, only, now I purely don’t give a damn about being nice about it.
I’m no longer going to soften my tone so I don’t come across as a bitch, when in reality I just know what I want and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’m no longer going to lie to myself, wishing I was anything other than myself, just because it would make my loved ones’ lives easier in my mind.
I’m no longer going to hold my tongue if someone truly does upset me in the moment just because I need to be the bigger person or “What would it do?”
At the end of the day I care about so many things and so many people, and that is not something I can change about myself. I refuse to.
So, hey world.
I’m creative. I see possibilities in business and art literally everywhere I go.
I’m talker. I like to talk. I talk a lot. I’m okay with that and if you aren’t then find someone quiet to follow.
I’m caring. I care about you and your issues and what you have going on in your life. Blame my empath ways, okay?
I’m dramatic af. But guess what? That serves me well in the art fields because I know how to harness and process my melodrama into verse, word, image, video, and on the damn stage.
I’m emotional. I feel so many emotions (hi cyclothymia how are u) all at once but as I just said I know how to process and get by with those conditions and that is no easy feat.
I’m bougie. I like nice things, I want nice things, and I don’t have to explain to you my love for the nicer things in life.
I speak out against colorism, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and many other issues plaguing our society, and I won’t shut up about it. I will call you out on it, and I don’t have to do it in a non petty way since I’m literally talking about the humanity of not only myself but others. So, suck it up.
I’m black. I’m black black blackity fucking black. Black lives matter. Say her name. Black girl magic is real. Don’t touch my hair. Blackish could be the only show on TV and I’m okay with that. I give you side eye if you criticize Beyonce over bringing out the black panther themed dancers during the super bowl. Lemonade was not for you @ white women so stop crying about it. I’m not your nubian chocolate ebony queen @ men regardless of race. Don’t call me sis. If you’re white you can’t say nigga and I don’t care what your uncle tom friends say. Dare I say more?
I am worthy of love, success, companionship, and all the things I want in life.
I bring these things up because these are issues I had issue with myself, more than anyone else in my life. Before anyone could call me out for the above, I would have already berated myself constantly for being the way that I am. I’m not ashamed of these personality facets. I refuse to be, anymore. This is about me, no one else, and my life is my life.
This is my twenty second year and it’s going to be rough probably. My mental health issues will come out to party on days I don’t need it to without a doubt. I’ll be insecure, angsty, moody, and vulnerable because I am human and I am following a scary untraditional path and I don’t know what comes next.
I am angrier, more tenacious, hungry, and driven, than I was at twenty one.
People are going to judge you, especially as a black woman, regardless of who you are, what you do, and how you speak. So, why not do it in a way that is authentic to you and not who people want you to be or wish you could be.