Two years ago this week, I was set free.
That’s very melodramatic, but if you knew what my life had been like that past year and a half, you’d know that I was in potentially one of the worst years of my life.
Part of it was due to my own internal issues coming to a head, which I’ve talked about before.
The other part of it was due to a boy, which I’ve never explicitly talked about before.
Seeing how I’m nearing the two year anniversary of cutting all ties, I think it’s a good time to reflect on the guy who changed my life, and not in the way you’d expect.
So, let’s go back to 2013.
I was about to graduate high school, and I was in my pop punk phase. I wasn’t ironic with my love for pizza and pigeons on albums, I felt that these songs were the only ones that illustrated what I was feeling inside.
Of course, like every teenage melodramatic soap opera, I came across a boy from my past. He had his demons, I had mine, and we had a three to six month love affair to remember and that would make any wannabe teenage punk jealous.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t then in love with him. I would be lying if I didn’t admit I imagined my future with him. I would seriously be lying if I said I didn’t think he was my end all even though I knew he had his problems. I knew I had my problems. I guess I was just naive to think we could deal with them together.
So, we split. Our problems were bigger than us and sadly during that split I made the huge decision to leave NYC and move to Orlando.
Honestly, my confidence journey started with him. Me realizing I was pretty alright started with him. I always give credit where credit is due, and he seriously jump started my confidence journey.
Now, that’s about the only good thing he did for me.
I moved, we lost communication, and then months on months later he comes back apologizing for the way he acted. Keep in mind i’m glossing over some major milestones for time sake, but the TLDR would be that he ghosted on me after me sending one of the scariest messages of my life.
He apologized, and we agreed to be friends.
Like any good melodramatic punk love story, we couldn’t stay just friends even if the label was there.
He, to quote Lady Gaga, was giving me a million reasons to let him go. Honestly he was giving me ten million reasons.
He was flakey, stood me up, and kept me hanging on just enough so I wouldn’t walk. Not that he ever asked me, but I would have easily waited eons for him to come to his senses.
I knew better. I knew I should walk, but I really thought I could be that positive difference in his life. I thought I could be the light in what was some serious dark times.
One New Jersey trip later, he ghosted on me for good.
I traveled 1500 miles for him to disappear on me.
The first time he did it, it hurt.
This time, I was livid.
I was mad at him and I was mad at myself but lord knows I wasn’t just mad.
I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. I was determined to make him feel it, and that’s not me.
So I went to therapy (for a bunch of other reasons not just him), and got accelerated resolution therapy (ART).
It numbed me to the whole experience that was him. I remember everything, but I’m completely desensitized to it. Now, a year and a half after I got it I’m slowly starting to feel some different emotions again, but nothing compared to what I would had I not gotten it.
Two years later, I’m good. I’m happy. Hell, I’m ready for the next relationship.
I’m not letting what happened with him mar my future dating experiences.
So, now, a letter to the guy who I thought was my finito, but who was thank god just a minor chapter in my story:
I don’t know what to say.
And, that’s not in a “Oh! I’m so speechless and I miss you and-” type way.
I mean there is literally so much I could say.
First, thank you.
Thank you for setting me free.
Thank you for being so damn shitty.
Thank you for giving me an example of what I will never let myself go through again.
Thank you for teaching me to listen to my intuition.
Thank you for reminding me that any guy who compares himself to bread due to the complexity of the ingredients is too melodramatic for his own good. And that’s coming from the queen of melodrama.
Thank you for literally giving me the worst dating experience I think I will ever have.
Thank you for being such a charismatic stereotypical sad boy who is only concerned about himself and not the people around him.
Thank you for forgetting two of my birthdays. Well, no. You tried breaking up with me on the first one and then forgot the second.
Yes, I know my friend texted you to remind you.
Thank you for giving me so many amazing stories which I can sit and laugh over how ridiculous you were.
Thank you for reminding me that I need to be myself and not compromise who I am regardless of who I’m around.
Thank you for reminding me that a guy who truly loves me won’t ask me to do so.
Thank you for being everything I don’t need or want in a guy, because now I’m free to find the right one.
Thank you for giving me an experience I can legitimately capitalize off of while helping other girls who are dealing with fuck boys in their own lives.
Thank you for reminding my best friend that she’s always right and fuck you for reminding me that I need to listen to her more often.
In the words of Little Mix, you made my heart break and that made me who I am.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being the piece of shit that will inevitably launch parts of my career. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Two years ago, I was set free, and that shit has never felt better.