A casual update since I casually disappeared off your radar:
I’ve been extremely silent, the past couple of months. Well, more silent than you’re used to, obviously. As a person who campaigns mental health awareness (and accountability), along with self acceptance and self care based advocacy, I figure I owe you an explanation as to why I’ve been so...dead.
I officially launched my online business about fourteen months ago. At that point, it was a strict coaching platform and I was determined to work with clients and become a self help blogger. I started reaching out to more people, making more connections, and that was as amazing as it was dreadful.
The more connections I made and the more I related with others, the more I realized how much bullshit there was floating around the self help space.
The more I spoke, the more exhausted I became, and I did not stop talking on any platform for a whole year.
Something that was designed to make me feel in control of my life, made me feel out of control. I spiralled, to put it simply. I spiralled, crashed, and I’m still recovering from it.
I’m very good at putting on a show. Whether it’s an actual show, or a metaphorical performance akin to the smile and bubbly persona I have when working in the hospitality field. Everything became this over the top, look at me I’m so confident and I know what I’m doing type...facade. I built this facade up without realizing what I was doing, and when it started cracking, everything collapsed.
I realized I had just been going through the motions. I had just been nodding when I was supposed to nod and laughing when I knew I was supposed to laugh. I didn’t feel alive as much as I felt burdened with this duty to be more than what I was currently feeling.
The facade or act was so strong, I had convinced myself I was fine for ages. In fact, I really collapsed in June, but due to me not being able to see through my own shit, I didn’t realize I was in that dark hole again until November. I had everyone fooled, including myself.
None of this was done, or is done, with malicious intent. Even at my most over the top moments, I was still being myself. I wasn’t trying to come off as perfect, nor was I trying to come off as something I wasn’t. I was always me. If anything, I was a caricature of my own self, highlighting to extreme extents the parts of myself and my life that I love, and hiding the other parts in the shadows. To be honest, I still struggle with it since I do so naturally.
I didn’t know or think I was doing this since I did talk about my mental health issues and I talked out against the bullshit in the self help and digital industries.
When I realized all of this in December, I decided to take a month off from business. I got a part time job so I could get some supplemental income while I didn’t work on my own stuff. I pulled back. I focused on me, my mental health, and my self care with the intent of picking back up where I left off come January.
January came, and I did just that, but only for the month. As February hit, I crashed again. I’ve been ricocheting back and forth for weeks between “Yes I’m great I can do anything!!!11!!” and “lol why should I even get out of bed?”
It’s exhausting and draining, and it’s why I’ve been so silent.
I recognize that my ducks will never be in a row. I recognize that things will never be lined up completely, so waiting for that to happen to jump back in is just an excuse. However, I do believe I need to be a bit more stable before I put myself back in the mix. I do believe that emotionally and energetically I am a bit fragile, so I have to be very careful over where I put my energy. So, think of this as a mini hiatus versus a full break.
In the meantime, I’m still working on different things.
I’m giving my businesses room to evolve without pushing it. I’m giving my projects room to grow conceptually. I’m trying to let things naturally come to me (in all aspects of life), versus pushing and pushing until it basically blows up in my face.
Some days I’m okay. Some days I’m not, and that’s okay.
This break, so to speak, is apart of my journey. A friend helped me realize that. I still have things moving behind the scenes and you’ll still hear from me.
This isn’t goodbye, it’s brb.
(any We Are the In Crowd fans? Anyone catch that reference? No? O ok)
Stay tuned, because when I am back, it’ll be with a vengeance. That I promise you.
Till next time,