Let's Cut the Bullshit, I'm Terrified.
In one month, I changed my life completely.
No, this isn’t some inspirational post about how you can do it too, and, no. This isn’t some post saying how great of an entrepreneur or business woman I am or where I list every goal I have and how I’m going to reach them and become something blah blah blah.
None of that.
In one month, I changed my life completely. I quit my job, restarted my business, and started my plans to move back up to New York City. Sounds inspirational, right?
Had this been a year ago, that would have been the point of this post but instead I’m here to say something I didn’t say out loud a year ago.
I am one hundred and ten percent terrified. I’m excited and pumped because the life I really want to live is starting. It feels like I’ve stopped lying to myself and I’ve owned several parts of my personality I’ve been afraid to for years.
Now, I’m scared.
It’s weird, because I know I shouldn’t be complaining about finally getting everything I’ve wanted. I mean, that’s pretty shitty of me, let’s be honest. If anything I should be rejoicing and ecstatic.
Here’s the thing-- once you stop hiding from what you want and once you start accepting what it is you want and deserve, you have to be prepared for what you ask for. You can’t want big things, but hide in the shadows of your fear, self doubt, and insecurities. You can’t imagine a life of grandeur while settling for mediocrity.
Owning up to that level of...bigness, for lack of a better term, is terrifying. Realizing that you have to constantly stop bullshitting yourself and your talent is unsettling, especially when you’re so used to doing so. When you’re used to saying “I’m not ready,” and believing that you aren’t ready, it’s hard to actually believe that you’re ready even when you are.
So, yes. I’m terrified. I’ve become so good at bullshitting myself, the idea that I have to stop and actually be everything I can be is so incredibly overwhelming because that comes with acknowledging that I can actually be something.
That comes with acknowledging that maybe I am worthy of greatness and that my goals are within my reach.
Let’s be honest, not everyone has goals that are lofty. A lot of people do, yes. That’s why the industries I know I’m already in, if I’m being honest, are as competitive as they are.
Some people have goals that are much more attainable. Still amazing and incredible goals, but the chance that they have reaching them are much greater. Mine aren’t. Mine are slim. I have to be my best self to reach them, and when being my best self is simply a struggle in itself lately you can understand how I’m a bit uneasy.
In one month my life started changing completely beyond belief. Some days I’m full of excitement and I’m ready to face whatever life throws at me and other days I’m wondering what the hell it was I was thinking. As is the life of the entrepreneur, as we know, but still.
I’m terrified. I’m doing the thing terrified, and there’s no pulling back or out now for the matter. I committed to this, and this is the one thing I plan to finish through with. Ultimately, I’m way happier now even though I’m terrified than I was the whole year I played it safe, employed by someone, and just worrying about the day to day.
The mood swings may be a bit more drastic simply because anything that does (or doesn’t) happen falls on my shoulders, and it’s up to me to make my dreams come true and no one else. I have no excuse. If I sink, I sink in ways I don’t even want to imagine. If I float though…?
But hey, I’m still happy.
Happy, yet terrified, and that’s what I have to remind myself daily because it is true.
I am happy.
The happiest I've been in a very long time.